This blog post is part of a new section of our blog that we are providing for anyone that has a question about bullying and schools. No matter what kind of bullying, or how big/small your school is, we will do our best to answer one or two questions a month in this section of the Soul Shoppe blog.
A few weeks ago I was contacted by a mother on Twitter named Kimberly Formosa (@TeenConcussion). Kimberly’s daughter was recently involved in an accident that resulted in a life-changing concussion and brain injuries. Injuries can be a very stressful time on their own, but having your entire world turned upside down by a brain injury is an incredibly hard situation to deal with, especially for a teenager.
Kimberly has been blogging about her daughter’s situation at her Teenage Concussion blog. She has an amazingly good grasp on the situation, how to deal with it, and how to work with the schools. However, she still feels like she needs some help.
Kimberly reached out to Soul Shoppe for advice on how to deal with bullying her teen was experiencing in school because of her injuries. I passed the word along to Dr. Heath Wood, Veteran Soul Shoppe Programs Facilitator and Emotional Engagement Extraordinaire. This is what Dr. Heath wrote me back:
Dear Mrs Formosa,
My name is Heath L Wood. I work for Soul Shoppe as a veteran Facilitator, doing bully prevention work in elementary and middle schools throughout California and across the country. The kids always call me “Dr. Heath.”
Jonno was telling me about what happened to you daughter, and consequently, what your family has been enduring and, first, i want to extend my heartfelt empathy to you all. My heart is no stranger to the suffering that occurs in this life, and i can feel the anguish of your situation.
If you don’t mind, i just wanted to take a little of my time and share some thoughts and suggestions that i hope will help you feel affirmed and supported.
One thing that often can help is briefing and de-briefing. Before your daughter goes to school, it is really important every morning that she take some time to mentally and emotionally prepare herself for all the possibilities of the day. thinking through all the ‘inevitables’ that she feels are very likely. feeling ‘into’ how she wants to respond on a deep emotional level, polishing that with thoughtfulness and wisdom. taking time to connect into her ‘core,’ her feelings about who she is, how she really wants to respond to any of these situations, what her integrity looks like, her values as a person, a human being. sometimes we may even already ‘know’ these things. still yet, the important thing is that we spend time daily, especially in the morning, re-connecting with the feeling of these things. meditation, prayer, ‘check-in’s’ with you, creativity in the morning like creative writing, painting etc. even a morning exercise routine can greatly help to boost the confidence, affirm the ego (sense of self) and upholster the skill of ‘inner re-sourcing.’ being able to feel your emotional center is a great attribute of resilient people, and we become more resilient simply by just doing this.
Then, a debriefing every single day, as soon as she gets home. a quick check-in when she gets in the car, just to make sure she is okay and doesn’t need anything immediately. but save the bulk of the check-in/debriefing for when you both get home. it’s important to do this, because it trains the brain (particularly the limbic system/amygdala) to discern where it is, namely that it is home, a safe place, and not at school, a potentially dangerous place. through this kind of daily ritual, the brain is ‘trained’ if you will, to discharge the emotional events of the day, is given help ‘digesting’ the experiences, and can then ‘shift gears,’ or in other words, deactivate the sympathetic nervous system a bit.
Ritual, predictable daily/weekly/monthly structure is a really important psycho-neurological aspect/element of safety. trauma comes from being in UNpredictable places and events. Healing comes through being in a ‘mostly’ predictable place. i say mostly because, nothing and no one is ever Totally safe in this world. we have to learn to live with that. You can set a time-limit too, which will actually help her. just set it cooperatively with her, and once you agree to it, stick with it for awhile and re-evaluate in a month or two. 5-15 min is usually plenty. and, if you choose 15min let’s say, but she only has 5min worth of talking one day, then you just honor the rest of the time by sitting in silence with her. but ALWAYS honor the exact amount of time, trying to not go over or under.
her job is to drop her walls and reveal to you ask much of her Inner Experience (e.g., thoughts feelings experiences) of the day, and to say clearly how she felt and is feeling using feeling words (e.g., mad, sad, disappointed, hurt, afraid, etc.).
your job is to simply listen and be fully present with her. no advice, no talking-at all, no feedback. nothing. just listen, but listen deeply, with your whole heart. listening is a powerful healing instrument. this will all serve to help her ‘clear internal space’ of left-over feelings and thoughts from the day, and in that clearing, open to the possibilities of what the evening at home has to offer her, having let go of the day.
after she has finished checking in, just ask her what she needs, and her job is to be honest about that. your job is to let her needs be real and honored and not take anything personal. for example, you may want to spend some time with her, but she may need an hour or two or private space to decompress.
some people, my colleagues in the mental health field actually, (my phd is in clinical psychology), have also told me that when they get home they shower and change clothes, which helps them totally shift their mood and thoughts in order to open to the new environment.
Another thought is about our attitude towards the bullying. One caution i give to you with great emphasis is, knowing that compassion and empathy are vital, still yet, be very careful not to foster or nurture a ‘victimized’ attitude. children often internalize the response of those around them, especially those most beloved. a child falls and scrapes their knee. One parent walks over calmly, gently smiles, makes sure there isnt serious damage, gives them a big hug and says, ‘good one! way to be tough, way to get back up and shake it off!’ it can sound and feel insensitive, but that’s only if we forget the long run, the big picture. Another parent runs over frantically, full of fear and with an expression of panic on their face looks into the eyes of the child, and that child begins to cry in torment and suffering, their sense of pain drastically heightened due to the ‘mirror’ of the parents grimace. in other words, our response to the situation is often the main guidance of their inner experience of the situation.
more specifically, challenge, testing, tribulation, trials, these are all a serious part of Life that we ALL face, some moreso than others. call it fair or unfair. It’s a fact. Our power lies not in lamenting that we must go through such indescribable, unthinkable things such as what your daughter has gone through, and continues to endure, but rather in our integration of this element of Life, and our choice about how we truly want to respond. One of the Greatest coping skills i have personally ever learned in all my education, training and experience, which is somewhat vast, is that, Trust in Life is Vital if we want to Succeed. It is a Very difficult pill to swallow at times, believe i understand, but it is the doorway to an unshakable child, an unshakable strength. and that is a Great thing to offer to any child. You can do this, and encourage her to do this, by asking and answering questions at critical times, after listening and empathizing of course, like: “What am I learning from this? Why is this the most perfect thing that could happen? How is this making me a stronger, better human being? What am i grateful for about this situation?” for example.
Moreover, the ability to open one’s heart to pain itself, is a very very powerful coping skill. sometimes, or most of the time, we try to repress, suppress and/or ignore our fears and what pains us. but the psychological truth is that, often this only prolongs the agony, worsens the pain, and creates even more problems on top of the already existing problem, anxiety on top of hurt feelings, for example. Learning to open our heart to not just our own emotional pain, but also the pain of others is the essence of healing, the essence of wellness, the essence of strength, and the essence of indestructability, psychologically speaking. In fact, this is, in a word, the Love, the true, real, UN-conditional Love, that will take us all beyond the reproach of any other human. And, i realize, it is simple, but it is not easy, although i will gaurantee the results.
Coping is essential in situations of extreme distress and challenge, and these kinds of situations require much deeper, much more expansive responses and skills. They require that we grow incredible character, and impeccable integrity. It’s part of the blessing of the curse, if you will. I went through so much, as a child, for example, and it is because of those things that i now serve thousands of kids each year (over 75,000 last year alone) and hundreds of teachers and school personnel.
So, i offer this as the possibility that Nothing but GOOD can come from this for your sacred loved one, your child, your daughter, along with my thoughts and prayers of healing and love.
In Honor of your daughter, and in support of her call to greatness, i have asked permission from my bosses (Vicki & Joseph) to begin a weekly blog/response to q & a for people experiencing bullying of this kind and any other kind, the details of which we can discuss further. but, i would personally like to dedicate this weekly column to you and your daughter, and commend you for being such an obviously loving and caring mother, and to commend your daughter for loving herself, her life and her family/friends enough to endure.
How would you feel about this? it would be an online format where people, such as yourself, can ask help from those with the knowledge and experience to help, where i would offer personal stories and stories of those with whom i work with at various schools across the country and in the Bay Area, where i live, (with permission of course) for the sake of empowerment, healing and unity.
also, i would like to extend myself personally to you, Mrs Formosa, to be here for your support in any way i can, trusting that this must be a decisively jagged experience for you, and that your heart surely needs some tlc.
feel free to contact me at anytime.
my cell is 650.471.5268
my email is heathwood.phd@gmail.com
My very best to you and your family.
May Victory Be Ours,
“dr heath”
